Starbucks RANT!

I’ve been meaning to write this rant (or a form of this rant) over and over again for the past few months. It’s just every time I’ve had a completely terrible Starbucks experience, they somehow redeem themselves sparing them my rage and righteous indignation. Well, my friends…..I’ve finally had it with them, so here goes.

CONSISTENCY. Is that concept completely beyond this company’s grasp? I mean hell, you can get the same McDonalds hamburger in a gazillion places made the same exact way – even when made with raccoon meat (which is actually quite tasty). Burger King can somehow make a consistent Whopper using the same quart of mayo whether I am in NY, DC or any other place on the planet and even Taco Bell can make a freak’in taco with just the right amount of coagulated goo they call “refried beans” I seem to enjoy (sidebar – what the hell are refried beans anyway – does one really need to “refry beans? I mean, I generally soak them but, I digress).

People….it is a grande, skim, “wet” cappuccino. Not a regular cappuccino. Not a latte. Not an espresso. Is is sooooooo hard for you to put 2 shots of espresso into a freak’in cup and then fill the rest of it with ½ steamed milk and the rest with just the foam. Is this so beyond the skills of even a novice barista?

Oh – and please make sure you scald the milk because I really can’t enjoy my soupy, radioactive drink unless I don a pair of oven mitts just to heave in the pound of sugar needed to make the beverage palatable.

Now, as many people know, I am a bit of a shy guy who likes to keep things to myself. A few weeks ago I mentioned that my drink was really sub par and could the little elfish coffee maker remake my drink (just like the sign says). Little did I know this would become the perfect venue for the Starbucks coffee jockey to prove that she was an accomplished member of the local community college debating team. “That is NOT what a wet cappuccino really is. You see a “wet” cappuccino is made by elevating the milk tin 6 to 12 inches and carefully pouring the contents into the coffee receptacle in such a way as to cause the foamy milk matter to slowly rise to the top.”

Yeah, whatever. Well as my good friend Tom would say. “How about you making a cup of shut the “F” up and just make me my freak’in drink”.

Next, stay tuned for my Bartender rant. You would not believe the experiences I’ve had at my local dive bar with the notorious “Barzilla”.